Let her be

This is an article which appeared in the Sunday Times in O-Zone on 1 March 09 and wanted to share it. It has striken a cord with me and my friend, I guess it is the best descrption of what I am feeling right now on the subject.

How do you know who is the right man for you, was the plaintive question a colleague, Ritu, just entering her 30’s asked the other day. Under pressure from her parents to get married within the year, she despaired of finding the right guy and dreaded ending up with the wrong one.

Actually, how do you know who’s right or wrong for you? Surprisingly one finds more women than men debating this question. You hardly ever come across a man scared of being hitched up with the wrong woman. Or at least not one who openly expresses this fear. Women are more commitment phobic these days. It used to be a man’s problem, but today many women don’t get into matrimony for fear of getting attached to the wrong partner. What goes on in a girl’s mind when she is seriously considering the ‘M’ question?

Shilpa, a professional who is unmarried at 32, says, “What holds me back is the fear that a man I like may be pretending to be somebody quite different from what he really is; how is one to know? It’s one thing to enjoy a cup of coffee with a guy and quite another to commit the next 40-45 years of your life to him!” She doesn’t feel as paranoid about striking a new friendship or getting a new job. “Well, of course not,” she says, you can always walk away from a friend or a job; the emotional commitment isn’t so high, but not so from a husband and a family!”

Amrita, a colleague who at 36, is yet to tie the knot, says, “My fears stem from a lot of ‘what ifs’... it’s like you want to know or sort out issues before you actually marry, later will be too late! Is he a cribber? Is he honest? Does he have a sense of integrity? What if I end up tied to a man who is a big bore!”

When Hillary Clinton was asked how she knew that Bill Clinton was her one true love, she replied, “How does anybody know about love? If you can describe it, you may not fully be experiencing it.....My husband is my best friend. We have an endless conversation...we never get bored.”

A lady bureaucrat, Pooja, now happily married with a daughter, recalls how determined she was to satisfy the “inner romantic” within her. “I had to find ‘Mr Right’; the only other option, which didn’t seem too bad either, was to stay unmarried. I could support myself, my time and space were my own; what did I need a man for except perhaps for companionship and to enhance the quality of a life I already led?”

“It had to be someone who shared a general sense of compatibility with me, someone who enjoyed and could share what I wanted of my life. He had to share my value system and be a man I could respect; or at least someone I couldn’t just dismiss; someone who was not unintelligent...”

Note the way the selection process became one of elimination rather than selection for Pooja. She wanted an intelligent guy, but would have been happy with one who was “not unintelligent.” A guy she could respect, or at least, as she put it, someone she “couldn’t just dismiss.”

Sometimes the choice becomes easier by first eliminating what you just will not accept in a life companion rather than looking for the qualities you want. For instance, if you are clear you will not be able to respect a guy with a squeaky voice, or a man who finds it difficult to smile, or someone who drinks or smokes, those are the things to watch out for and clarify first, and the rest follows.

Coming back to how does one know, most women who have met their destined men, insist that you just know. “It’s a feeling,” Pooja tries to explain. When she did meet her soul mate, she describes it as “a gentle feeling...he was bright and fun loving. I knew men... I had enough friends and batch mates...but what was most appealing about my husband was that he was one of the few men I met who gave me this feeling of space...I could be Pooja around him!”

And really, this is what most women are seeking in their men today; just the opportunity to remain themselves. Agrees Ritu, “I want the freedom to keep doing what I love — reading, writing, composing poems. I don’t want someone to clamp me or my aspirations. I want a deep companionship, where we can enjoy the same things together. I want friendship, and passion — for each other yes, but that fizzles out, so passion for the same things in life...” Is that too much to ask for? To just let a woman be herself?